By Ian Kerner PhD, LMFT
Hey guys, could your porn-habit be making you less of a lover in the real world? Are you developing what's referred to in the world of sexology as an "idiosyncratic masturbatory style?" If you're thinking "idio-what??" check out this article.
Don't get me wrong: for the most part, women don't understand guys and porn. Many women get freaked out and immediately jump to conclusions:
What women don't understand is that for many guys porn is basically a thirty-second spa-day, complete with happy ending: it feels good, relieves stress and functions as a quick little treat. Kind of like scarfing down a bag of gummy bears in the middle of the day. It doesn't mean we're not interested in having "a real meal" with the woman we love, but sometimes we're in the mood for a snack. No big deal.
But sometimes too much porn is a problem and lately I've been noticing in my practice a new issue: men whose sex skills are suffering because of their propensity for porn and women who are noticing that their guys have gone from good in bed to, well, not so good.
How can too much porn affect your sex-skills?
First of all, it can deplete your libido and lead to a lack of mojo. If you're masturbating frequently, you may end up being less into sex with your partner and not putting enough time into romance, foreplay and your connection with your partner. And your partner will notice. As men age it's not only perfectly natural to experience longer refractory periods (the time between erections), but also an increased latency period (the time it takes to reach ejaculation). So in the past, you may have been able to masturbate regularly and have sex regularly, but if you're masturbating more than you're having sex, it's time to stop "laying hands."
Also, you may be developing an "idiosyncratic masturbatory style." When a man masturbates, he is often applying significantly higher levels of pressure and friction than real intercourse provides. So, he may get used to a different kind of physical feeling. As a result, there are a lot of men who can only get past the point of no return via oral sex, or manual stimulation (usually their own), but can't get there during sex anymore.
Also, with so many varieties of porn at their fingertips, men who get in the habit of having a steady flow of sexual novelty and intense visual stimulation, have a more difficult time reaching peak levels of sexual arousal with their real-world partners. They may get an erection, but they're mentally not at peak arousal. They're unable to focus fully on the sex they're having and have become habituated to high levels of visual stimulation.
As I mentioned: more and more women are complaining about guys who can no longer reach orgasm during sex, or seem distracted during sex, or have plain and simple lost some of their mojo and creativity. Is it any wonder female infidelity is on the rise. If you think porn could be crimping your sex-style, it may be time to take a porn-break and focus on some real sex.
